Why Won’t You Apologize?
Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
In her book ‘Why Won’t You Apologize?’ author and psychologist, Dr. Harriet Lerner explains the importance of an apology, how to give an effective one, and some of the complications and pressures around forgiveness.
This blog post will cover aspects of Dr. Lerner’s guidance around: how to listen non-defensively, what is needed for an effective apology, common errors we make that negate our apology, how to accept an apology even if the action was unforgivable.
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First things first, when someone is sharing a hurt with you, listen! Listening to make an effective apology is more than just hearing words being said, rather, it is a commitment to understand and integrate what is being shared - even if you do not fully agree.
“Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if we have not listened well to the hurt party’s anger and pain” (pg. 51)
How to Engage Non-Defensive Listening:
Catch your defensiveness: Practice catching yourself in a state of defensiveness, this may show up in what is going on in your mind, or what is going on in your body. Defensive listening can be spotted when we are listening to respond, when our minds are more focussed on inaccuracies or exaggerations from the speaker, rather than the truths in what is being said.
Breathe: Take deep breaths and focus on your exhales to calm the body, when we have a calm body it is easier to keep a calm mind.
Find common groung: Listen for parts that you agree with from the speaker, and keep those top of mind.
Ask for clarification: Use curiosity based questions to understand the speaker more deeply. Curiosity based questions are there to deepen one’s understanding, not to interrogate or seek proof of harm done.
If you can’t listen well, let them know: It is fair to share that you are not in a place where you will be able to listen to the speaker well. If this is the case, give the speaker a timeline for when you will be better able to truly listen to them.
Now that you have listened to the hurt party, it is time to craft an apology with what you have heard and understood.
Elements of an effective apology:
“I’m sorry”: There is no apology if these two words are missing.
Clear is kind: Be specific and simple in what you are apologizing for, the clearer you can be in the apology, the more effective it will be. If the apology is too long it can lose it’s power, or even seem like the apologizer is making excuses for their behaviour. For example “I am sorry for not doing my dishes last night, I was tired and forgot about what I was doing. it can be hard for me….” versus “I am sorry for not cleaning up my dishes last night, I can see how that would be stressful for you to deal with in the morning”
Take responsibility: Apologize for your part in the hurt, just because you are apologizing does not mean that you are taking responsibility for the entire situation/hurt. Practice getting comfortable apologizing for your part, and save a conversation about the speaker’s part for another day.
“Thank you”: Offer a thank you to the hurt person for sharing their feelings and experience, this “thank you” demonstrates that you want to know when the speaker is hurt in the future.
Let the speaker know you will be thinking about the situation that hurt them: By closing an apology with “I want you to know that I’m going to keep thinking about what you’ve told me” (pg. 45) will offer reassurance that this conversation has been impactful and that you have taken in what the speaker has shared.
Bring the conversation up again: Let the speaker know that you have been thinking about what they shared with you and offer them a chance to speak to any additional thoughts.
A formula for a complete and effective apology:
“I am sorry for…” (insert action) —> “I can see how my actions hurt you by…” (insert the result of the hurt) —> “I was wrong and take full responsibility for my part”(take responsibility) —> “Moving forward I would like to handle myself differently, for example…”(commit to change) —> “I want you to know that I’m going to keep thinking about what you’ve told me. Would you like me to check in with you about this situation in…” (set a time and date to keep the conversation open and inviting)
Example of a complete apology: “I am sorry for forgetting to pick you up from work today. I can see how this left you feeling disrespected and alone. I was careless and take full responsibility for my actions. Moving forward I would like to handle this differently by putting a reminder in my phone, and on our shared family calendar. I want you to know that I’m going to keep thinking about this conversation. Would you like me to check in with you about this situation next week?”
So, now we have a template for giving an effective apology, next up is what to avoid saying in any apology.
Five Ways to Ruin an Apology:
“I’m sorry but”: Using “But” after an apology will negate the original statement. Lerner explains that “it doesn’t matter if the statement after the “but” is true - it makes the apology false” (pg.14)
“I’m sorry you feel that way”: is a way that an apologizer can feel they are making an apology, however, it shifts the responsibility onto the hurt party, rather than owning up to the apologizer’s actions. Remeber, we are only apologizing for our part, not for the whole situation.
Bening Inaccurate: Being inaccurate in our apology can leave everyone feeling misunderstood and frustrated. For example, if we apologize for making someone trip over shoes left in the middle of the hallway this is inaccurate, a more accurate apology is to take responsibility for leaving our shoes in the middle of the hallway to begin with.
Shortcut to forgiveness: Using apologies as a way to move on from the painful moment will likely leave the hurt party feeling even more misunderstood. If we pressure for forgiveness, it does not allow the necessary time to process the apology and come naturally to a place of forgiveness or acceptance.
Pressing on boundaries: Apologizing when the hurt party has asked for space/distance/alone-time will leave the hurt person feeling ignored. An apology will be much more effective if the hurt person is open to hearing it.
What if you are the hurt party?
Dr. Lerner speaks to letting go and acceptance as being the first steps before forgiveness is given, she also speaks to how we do not always need to forgive as some actions are truly unforgivable. Of course, though some actions are unforgivable, it does not mean that we can’t choose to let go of the resentment or anger. Dr. Lerner encourages her readers to practice letting go of the feeling toward the bad-actor, as those feelings only continue to bring down and harm the already hurt party.
You can accept an apology without needing to forgive:
Forgiveness is not the same as letting go: releasing ourselves of holding onto anger, resentment, and hurt directed at someone, can become something that takes up space in our lives and in our minds. To let go of the feelings around it does not mean that we are forgiving a behaviour, rather, we are releasing the tension of holding onto the emotions of it. Some behaviours or situations are simply unforgivable to us.
We can forgive parts: there can be a pressure with forgiveness that everything is let go and resolved, however, there may be one or two aspects of the hurtful event that are unforgivable. We can qualify our forgiveness to make it accurate, for example, we may be able to forgive our partner for an infidelity, but it may be much harder to forgive the elaborate lie that was used to hide the infidelity.
We can continue to love and have compassion for someone and not need to forgive them: when it comes to humans, we are complex, fallible, and definitely imperfect. While holding the reality of the complexity of being a human, we can practice loving someone without forgiving a behaviour. This requires us to see a person for who they are, rather than seeing them for their actions, missteps, and wrongdoings.
A helpful hint about receiving apologies:
Not all of us are the types to read about making effective and compassionate apologies, and likely we have also given some sloppy or ungenerous apologies ourselves. Dr. Lerner encourages all of her readers to be generous in receiving apologies from people. If we are looking for a perfect apology, we may be waiting our whole lives. If the effort and intention is there, Lerner encourages us to accept the apology.
Accepting an apology is a gift to ourselves and to the relationship that needs to be repaired. It is a way of expressing compassion for others, and respect for the person behind the behaviour. It can also release us of the burden of holding onto disconnection within the relationship.
The book Why Won’t You Apologize? is short and incredibly helpful if you are interested in diving deeper into offering effective apologies. You can find the book, and more of Dr. Harriet Lerner’s work here.
***this blog post was written by me and my fallible human brain, please forgive any typos or awkward grammar!
