Hope for Cynics
Hope for Cynics: The surprising science of human goodness
Dr. Jamil Zaki
I loved this book! It jumped off the shelf at me in Banyen Books (iykyk) a couple of weeks ago, and I felt so seen by the title. The author, Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki, exposes himself as a natural cynic that does research on the positive and protective factors of human connection. He speaks of his internal conflict of being a cynic, all the while preaching how powerful holding a sense of hope is. The loose thesis of Dr. Zaki’s book is that cynicism is the easy way out, and hopeful skepticism is the more effortful yet more rewarding way forward.
In this blog post I will be outlining some of the pieces I found more inspiring, and the parts that I wanted to be able to assign as “homework” for some of my clients (and myself too!).
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First of all, the way Zaki defines hope is that it is a response to a problem, it is not thinking that everything is okay, rather it opens the possibility that everything could be okay. It is not a naive way of being, it is a practical and curious one.
Secondly, Zaki speaks of the adaptive way that cynicism develops in so many of us - it is actually quite a sensible way to be when we break it down. Cynicism develops as a way to protect against being hurt, based on evidence from the past. The example given in the book is the skittish dog that was abused in its previous home. That dog might remain skittish moving forward even if the people in the new home are entirely kind and loving toward the dog. The dog is simply protecting itself against humans, as all humans have been categorized as dangerous based off of the dog’s history. Our brains work in the same way, scary thing happens = avoid scary thing in the future. This is, of course, not the most realistic way to be as there is so much more nuance between good things and bad things. Jamil Zaki’s book goes into detail about the deeper hurts we cause ourselves when we attach too tightly to the bad/cynical things.
What are some ways to start breaking down our protective attachment to cynicism?
Why are you giving in the first place?: When you give to others, offer help, babysit, cook dinner, etc. rather than waiting for the reciprocal pay back, spend time considering why you’re giving in the first place. When you honour the good feelings you get from giving, you can start to shed the score-keeping that cynicism might tell you to do.
Start a savouring practice: The example given in the book is to slow down when eating, notice what is most delicious about the food, think of how you want to remember the meal. This can be done in social settings as well: what is the most enjoyable aspect? How does it feel to be in connection with others? How do you want to remember the experience?
“If you have something nice to say, just spit it out” (pg.100): I particularly love this one, as it becomes so easy to offer up critical feedback to our loved ones (yes, I can literally hear my partner looking at me) and we can forget to say the positive and kind things as well. See how you feel after committing to 24 hours of just spitting out the kind things that pass through your mind.
Recognize What You Recieve: This can start with a daily journaling or reflection practice of “what have others done for me today?” and “what have I done for others today?”. When you get stuck in thinking about what people have not done for you this brief reflective practice of noticing what others have done for you and what you have done for others, can bring you back to the reality of how much you really receive in a day. This act of receiving can be a text from a friend checking in, eating the frozen broth that a parent gave to you months back, getting kisses from your dog, a stranger complimenting your shoes, and the list can go on…
Encounter Counting: This is an exercise where you take the chance to chat with someone, anytime that chance becomes available. I have created a BINGO card to help guide this practice in case you aren’t even sure what would suffice as a chance to chat with someone. It is important that when you do this exercise, that you notice how you feel before and after you speak to someone - I really hope you try this out!
Self Care = Other Care: Zaki explains how our understanding of self care has actually been warped through the “self care industrial complex.” He notes how the more you focus on the self, the more “self-care” you will think you need. How self-care started was actually what you might call other-care - it was about cooperation. Self-care was about caring for the community you are a part of, not the individual that you are. If you start to reframe self-care as other-care, how does that change how you might approach it?
*I also want to note that solitude is very important to some people, and this concept of “other-care” is not to replace quiet alone time, rather it is a call toward the rejuvenating benefits of being with others, caring for others, and being cared for.Disagree Better: When you aren’t afraid to be in disagreement with people, it can soften your approach toward connection, no matter where the other person lands on the political/financial/core-values spectrum. When you step toward conflict with curiosity and humility, it is contagious and will (almost absolutely) change the kind of conflict you are approaching. Dr. Jamil Zaki outlines a “recipe for disagreeing better”:
“Good disagreers ask questions instead of making statements.
They work to get underneath people’s opinions to their stories.
When they spot common ground, good disagreers name it.
When they are unsure about something, they say so rather than pretending to be confident.”
Get Skeptical: When you notice yourself being judgemental or jumping to conclusions about people or situations, Dr. Zaki suggests you develop a habit of getting skeptical of your thoughts through a series of questions:
“Where do our assumptions come from?
What purpose do they serve?
Who else do they benefit?”
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Sometimes you really can judge a book by its cover, as I knew I was going to love Dr. Jamil Zaki’s writing and research simply based on the title! I hope some of these exercises and points have functioned as some light inspiration to reconnect to your sense of hope, and to universal human goodness.
***this blog post was written by me and my fallible human brain, please forgive any typos or awkward grammar!
